For you will not understand what I’m about to say, but a day coming soon, you should look to the heavens and call his name as I did as a child. I knew not of loving arms and nice words, but I felt gentleness in the air, a wind of protection. A strong and mighty arm that watched over me, that spent days and nights with me, almost as if this force controlled the world making it spin, pushing and pulling the sun up and across the sky. A young mind cannot understand things of this size. I could see the beauty of this place. The gentle hand that loves the animals, the birds, squeals, rabbits and such.
Mostly I would feel the string of the bees, or the pinch of an ant, or the hard words of parents caught in a world full of lies, being foolish they believed them all. Being placed outside of our family group, I was able to look at it, and examine it, and hunt the truths that were in plain sight. Our love must come first, our actions talk much louder than the words I hear coming from the mouths of those who claim to love me, yet when I am cold you offer no blanket, that tomorrow I will understand. We seat alone and talk about loneliness. I couldn’t put it together, but something just didn’t fit. In a world full of plenty yet millions go without. Why? I would ponder day after day.
Then I was taken to church, almost as if it was the nursery she came in search of, a min. of peace and quiet. I heard these outrageous stories of great events in a time long ago. Could it be true? A GOD, watching over us, making sure all was well. I would talk to him every night but was sure he didn’t listen, yet I prayer, day after day. Maybe I wasn’t saying it right, or I was too young for his time. I would wait and question the truth of this man, GOD.
Then my uncle died. I was taken to see the ocean on that trip. As I stepped onto the sand and looked out over that great big ocean. That min I was saved, for in my heart I knew there was a GOD. That much water could not control it ‘self and with the sky as the back drop, my destiny was set. I would find and prove him to be real and alive and I would take my proof unto the whole world.
The following years would be built on trust as I traveled the roads alone; I wasn’t smart enough to be afraid, but I was wise enough to pay attention. Every action had a reaction and over time I began to understand his ways on a very surface level. I kept praying for the wrong things so it kept looking like I wasn’t being heard, yet all my needs were met, even in the times I lost it all. I always found food and shelter, not what I ask for, but what I needed, a jail can feed and house you and there were a time that was in order, and in a strange way my proof he was still with me. I always whispered to him, don’t give up on me.
Love I just could not grasp, what does it feel like? Is that the feeling, I wish you would never leave? That was as close as I got until a bit later in my life. Why is love so empty? Why is it so self-seeking. Why don’t I believe you? How can you love me, you don’t even know me, my parents didn’t love me, there is no way you can. So I would wait until you left. That was proof every time. They always left. Never did I blame myself, even though I told them, you will leave too just wait and see. These were not my words but they were my actions. The trusted house and board was always there, my GOD was still taken care of me. I should have been homeless at least a dozen times. I pushed everyone away, thinking if they loved me they wouldn’t leave. I never hit you, not once, not at least with my hands. My words were bounced off them day after day. That with a world that lives outside. the world that had no rules. I was destined for loneness.
I did find love in another person, at least my end of it. I truly loved her and wanted what was best for her and willing to pay for it out of my own pocket, but as destiny would have it. I found her as payment for one of GOD’s children I had hurt in my foolish youth. I knew it was true but very one sided until a few years later. The love I know and understand now is between two grown men, one is the smartest the world would ever behold and the other is me. True love, just the same. I hope all of you find what I have found. His hand is out strength to all who call out hoping to find. The dark night is when one can see the best.