i came into this world with the hopes and dreams as grand as the greatest among dreamers. all i found was heartache and pain and more than what seemed my fair share. i told you in letters throughout the years, my thoughts on all these things and i never heard a word back from you, not a single word. i begun to believe maybe i was wrong and you were not real, but only the greatest dream i would ever have. an all powerful GOD to protect me from the pain of this place, yet no protection came. only the years full of these tears, i cried and the letters poured out of me. meaning every last word. oh how i need you, sir, how far away are you tonight?
something inside, said i sit with you now just as i did with all the letters you wrote me. i placed those words in your heart, you found a pen and put them to paper as i knew you would, my son.
the day came and the weight was too heavy, i had nothing else to say. i put the boys to bed and placed the gun in my mouth as i sat in a cold dark room. i begged for it to be quick and painless. one last bang and the pain would finally end. the tears no longer to flow down my face, no pen to handle the words of all the things i would never understand. no note to those who would find me. i have nothing left to say.
that night was july 31 2006. that night you took me home and showed me of the family that loves me so very deeply. i figured i had ran the whole race and made it home in the nick of time. no bullet found its way through my brain.
how many times have i told you, no one believes me, not one sir. i still remember what you said. it don’t matter if they believe you, what matters is that you told them and told them i did sir. i have not one friend left. only you to tell my secrets and my fears, your words are so few sometimes i wonder even now, are you hearing me? how painful this walk has been i have no home, no money, no place to go, just to sit and the waiting inside this prison of our making counting the cards of this solitary existing. waiting on the rain to fall for the final time, this time fire as you have said.
still counting the days, into the eight year. i have stop caring what people think, can’t please them anyway, no matter how you try. i have tried everything i could think of, without money they consider you a failure. who taught them these things. love is a word they have forgot about, oh yea they say it a lot but it has no meaning as it falls out of their mouths. the heart turns cold and words are like dead leaves falling from the trees in the fall. it is funny how i can almost see them laying around on the ground everywhere i look. people just aren’t the same in some strange way, something has changed inside them, yet no one seems to know it.
i watch and wonder how you do it, to stay even another day sometimes seems more than i can take, yet you keep going and i feel how angry you are. you hold out until the last mins. every word will be true just as you said and yes i know the days are also numbered. i just hope the end is almost here. had about all i can stand, sir. until i write again. chip